Sonja Six for some reason is walking through a large holding bay area where it looks like dried beans are being distributed and does a lame job covering up and an even lamer fight ensues. Then we cut to Tigh and Caprica Six back in medlab for another Ultrasound and we find out the baby's name is Liam - awwwwwwbleccchhh

Cut to Hoshi announcing Dradis contact, a Colonial Raptor - it's Thelma and Louise, er, I mean Ellen and Boomer! "We log it as lost over a year ago," Hoshi exposits. Vipers and a Cylon Heavy Raider go in tandem to see it and in a cool shot we see a Six piloting (with the cool red graphics reflecting off her face), and the Roslin "Oh my god(s)" moment is finally at hand. Funny these things never happen at 3am, everybody's always dressed for a day at the office. Tarty Ellen says, "Aren't you going to help a lady down?" If she were a lady, they might have offered. Tyrol goes over and smells smartly-dressed Boomer (the Cylon flight suits are way cooler) and tells everyone it is Boomer, to which Adama orders, "Marines!" Like it fucking matters now. She is taken into custody. First groan of the ep and we're less than ten minutes in. A stupid Hot Dog line (why hasn't his character been splattered yet? Oh yeah, EJO wants to see him working) which is so bad I won't repeat it here. Tigh-Ellen kissy-kissy.

Later, Ellen is interrogated - gently ... and asks for Adama's flask (contrived moment). Ellen asks them to imagine if there were only 5 survivors instead of 50-thousand and requests to see the other Final Fivers. Adama says, "We'll see what we can do," as if there is any reason not to!? Ellen and Tigh are left alone in the room and they start a sex session on the table and Tigh's eye patch goes flying and he sees (projects?) Caprica Six in that sleek outfit Ellen's sporting. Cut to Caprica Six in Tigh's quarters eating what looks like oatmeal (what, no algae?) and she has a stomach pain.

Onward to the dreary useless Baltarsubplotzone where his main groupies are saddling up with guns for their posse (these actresses bore me to tears). Baltar groupie #2 now is skeptical of Baltar.

#*$*%^@&* THIS IS WHERE HEAD-SIX RETURNS ??!!?? Not when Baltar lay dying on rebel Base Ship during the attack on the Hub. Not on cinder Earth? I want my money back

Get your vomit bag handy. Back to Ellen and Tigh after sex and Ellen launches into the most ridiculous daytime soap opera dialog you can imagine, with this real winner from the show's weakest writer: "I was your mental porn?" since Tigh explained he thought of Ellen when he frakked Caprica Six.

Any true believers still out there after that? Stand up, be counted. Fools should stick together.

Adama watches as generic Sixes paint black Cylon glop on the rotting metal struts and Athena (or a generic 8?) goes to visit a recovering Anders in the sickbay. In walks Ellen for the Final Fiver brain trust. She gently strokes the cheek of Tory and then Tyrol and says of Anders, "You poor boy." Vomit bag nearly full. A Sharon and a Six suggest that the Cylons belong together and should all jump away and start a new life on the rebel Base Ship (why did they want to go to Earth in the first place?). Cue another momentous reveal just tossed off with a line: "Hera is the hope, for a new blended future." Thud ... then Tory lets her know about the new "pure" Cylon baby, "Caprica Six is pregnant?" Ellen asks. Cannot restrain contemptuous laughter

Get ready for more plot contrivance. Ready? They bicker and bicker and the Six present says of the Final Five leaving with the rebel Base Ship after Tigh says he won't go and they are reminded Anders said to stay with the fleet, "It's all of you or none of you." Who appointed this Six boss? And WHY does it matter if one or any of them go? Cylon democracy devolves into a petty hissy fit by the slut, er, Ellen. Vomit bag full.

Back to Tediousville, the Baltarsubplotzone, and the girl groupies are spewing exposition about how they now don't hide down below with their silk pillows and instead trade, blah blah. Baltar sees a pretty lady and starts hitting on her and then turns the tables on Groupie #2 and offers the food they've accumulated to the poor in this holding area (looks like where Sonja Six got roughed up, oh wait, it has a name - Dogsville - I know, you want to laugh). Cue pathetic speech by Baltar. Cannot wretch anymore, only yellow bile.

Roslin finds Caprica Six walking in a fairly busy corridor (still no lingering tensions after the attempted coup?), Roslin references their shared visions and C6 exposits that she's had none since she's been pregnant. They sorta girl-bond.

Cut to another of the lamest subplots ever: The Galactica bar. Kara is there and mentions the need for a piano, hitting we poor defenseless audience members with Thor's Hammer of foreshadowing. They drink clear liquor (Adama's is always brown for bourbon or scotch or some such) ... I guess no more antifreeze-colored neon green algae booze! Look closely and you can see composer Bear McCreary sitting blurred in the background - since he will figure prominently in the next ep with the whole piano player thing.

Adama checks the fuscia web of disease on his support struts again and notices there are cool little lights where the Generic Sixes have tarred them.

Get ready to cough up your liver through your mouth: Ellen shows up at Caprica Six's room and looks in the cabinet and sees a straight-razor. Oh dear, this is an hullicination, yes? The show hasn't fallen this far has it? I'm not really seeing this, right? Ellen says Tigh has to choose, but then tells Caprica "You've won." Where are the tampon commercials, this is daytime TV, right?

Back to Black Market, er, I mean Baltarsubplotzone and he's giving away the GroupieGirlz' food, and cue dumb gun standoff with dirty thugs. It's like watching fungus grow under a homeless man's toenails it's so bad. Later back in the down-below Head-Six makes another appearance, wearing a bizarre Sea-nymph outfit and shorter hair. So while Ellen is mixing it up with Caprica Six, Head-Six is provoking Baltar to bring down Groupie #2. The pettiness and smallness of this ep's story is just about unbearable. Yet another tedious speech by Baltar.

Adama's quarters, and Tigh and the now boozy-pill-popping Adama (looking a little Captain Nemo) are getting a real drunk on. He makes the big admission that they need the rebel Cylons (I wish there was a cymbal I could crash). Then back to check the work in that same corridor (the budget was that tight?) - we got it already: Cylon goo on Galactica metal for chrissakes.

Tigh and Ellen "meet" BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Tory! Tyrol! Sonja Six(?) An 8! and .... preggars Caprica Six. Showdown at the Machine Room Corral! Ellen votes with the Cylons who want to join the Base Ship and take off for points yonder, but Tigh draws the line and says frak it, you all can go to which Ellen provokes Cap6 and says, see he really loves Bill Adama and the ship and the uniform blah blah ... cue STOMACH CRAMPS! What an absolute shock ( ...... that it took this long for this contrived plot development) ... Later - with Doc Cottle in sickbay - Tigh is seeing to Cap6 and who's right there hovering? Why Ellen of course, spreading her venom because it's badly written that way. INTERCUT yet another shot of Adama watching the work on the struts (they keep tightening the frame so it doesn't look like the same shot that it is).

Back to Cap6's bedside and Tigh and Ellen hold vigil. "He loves
you" says Ellen ... "Cut it out!" screams Cap6 ... and you'll NEVER GUESS what happens.


"Baby's cryin'" (oh wait, that's a Dave Chappelle sketch) This little Liam be dead, muthafucka.

Finally, at the end of the ep we get an interesting scene for about 30 seconds: Baltar pitches to Adama, Lee and Roslin that a blended ship will not be accepted and revolution is in the air - not just a mutiny (but it's so many expository words - we didn't SEE any evidence of this). Cut to Baltarsubplotzone in the down-below and he unboxes a nice cache of high-power weapons. WTF ??? WTF ??? WTF ??? Suddenly Adama, Roslin and Lee want to arm the
religious fanatics to take out the Cylons on Galactica? This is one the most stupid developments of the entire series. Someone pulled this outta their ass.

We finish with Tyrol watching a sleeping Boomer in the brig and Anders' little brain-monitor blipping just a wee bit more and then a veritable symphony of Cylon synapses begin firing and the monitor goes topsy-turvy! Then man-hug as Tigh cries on Adama's shoulder over Liam's passing. Cut to space shot and we see lots of greenery in the agro-ship. I guess the crops came back? Final shot is a Six contemplating lost brethren in the memorial corridor, where the Cylons have put up their own pictures (they take pictures? they have 24-hour photo labs?). "It's already happened" Adama and Roslin conclude ... the blending.

This episode is one of the worst, for sure Woman King is worse, but it may be the second worst. This reimagined series of Battlestar Galactica is dying a very undignified death right before our eyes.


Potiphar Breen said...

Oh My Gods! Ye Gods.

Your review is EXACTLY what I had been thinking since that last week plot fiasco.

How, in the wide, wide world of sports, has this formerly glorious series sunk so low, so quickly?

Yep, I can see the finale now . . .

We will certainly have a "Newhart" ending with traveling vacuum cleaner and toaster salesman Billy Adama waking up next to Ellen "Swirls" Tigh, a passed-out way past prime time escort he picked up at the Galactica Diner and Titty Bar in Erath, Texas. He attributes his hangover to cheap liqueur and chides himself having an utter lack of judgment in women (and booze.) There are badly patched cracks all over the walls of his cheap motel room and old hippie music playing wafting through their paper thinness.

He later discovers he has a fresh case genital 'herbies' and is prescribed at the Free Clinic a new antiviral drug trademarked "CAPRICA" by a rude chain-smoking physician.

OY! ...and OW!

radii said...

you obviously got an advance copy of the script!

next time, spoiler alert ;)

Potiphar Breen said...

Yes, it is all clear now...

Last week Ellen called Cavil by his given name: John.

What she meant to say is that this Cavil was 'a John.'

Perhaps that's where the Earth meaning comes from.

Hmmmmm...wonder what 'Hoshi' really means...

radii said...

sucky-sucky five-dolla ?

Potiphar Breen said...

♬ Hi Ho...Hi Ho...
It's off to Earth we go
Where Cylons rule,
And Humans drool,
Hi Ho, Hi Ho!♬

Enemy Combatant said...

I wanted to place the blame for this disaster of an episode squarely at Jane Espenson's feet, but I can't. I'm probably in the minority here, but I never liked Buffy and I thought The Face of the Enemy webisodes were garbage. Clearly Deadlock is yet another abomination, but The Passage and Escape Velocity are relatively good episodes.

I think Radii, is being melodramatic about the show as a whole, but isn't fundamentally wrong about one thing: Ron Moore totally bailed at the end (I think more due to the writer's strike than anything else) and left lesser writers to fend for themselves. The final episodes have been disappointing and there's little evidence that the ending will redeem Moore's betrayal of both his fellow writers and his loyal fans.